Happy halloween.

Halloween was canceled in our neck of the woods due to the hurricane* but torrie's daycare still had their party anyway. So she wore her skelaton pajamas!

Where are they now?

I totally feel like my absence from the blogosphere deserves an explanation but i dont have one!! im a busy working mom who's child is making her nutty and the days just go by way too fast!! I also still dont have a laptop anymore, so my personal computer time is limited. I do have to buy a new one by January so hope for more posting by that point anyway!

First things first,
Yes we were hit badly by hurricane sandy, my area was not as bad as the next town over but we were still devastated and still are processing this unlikely storm for our area. My good friend lives on the coast line and 6 houses in her neighborhood collapsed into peices so I am praying to the lord that it wasnt her's because I havent heard from her yet.

Also, four days trapped in house with a 16 month old reminds me why I chose to work! I love her but good god shed drive a crazy person sane!!!

speaking of the little one,
she is 16 months she will be 17 months next week on november 7th, time flies, i just barely remember her nicu days, mostly the beeping of the machines play over and over in my head, but the feelings, the devastation, the smells, they are all distant memories to me, and I am thankful for that. now, she walks and talks wonderfully, she participates in active songs like wheels on the bus and popcorn in the popper. She also follows simple commands like go get your shoes, or go get your coat, or sit, stand, lay down =ETC. which means we have also started time outs. I am really trying to pick and choose what i decide to put her in time out for at this point for example, only the most severe acts of badness she portrays, like touching my cup over and over again and laughng when i say no, so i decided to ignore her, she came and touched it again so she went in time out. so basically thats where we are at with her. Tommarow is halloween and because of the storm they have post[poned trick or treating until november 7th in our state. torrie's daycare will still have their party tommarow, for which i made cupcakes.

i made beautiful cupcakes, that i saw on pintrest, red orange and green mini cupcakes! i got a great bowl, put candy in themiddle and cupcakes around it...... i tried to pipe on the frosting, i was really proud- then my mom walked by and said ew, you cant do that it looks like someone shit on them. wow mom thanks. first of all she never swears so they must have been bad and second of all she totally suck the air out of my "mom of the year " bubble. needless to say i frostred them the old fashioned way shoved them in the fridge and never looked back because now im mad. and disappointed. even my sister said that was so unlike my talented ways. Oh well.

asd for me, i finally went to the doctor, i finally took the advice and the meds they gave me and I finally feel better- just busy now.


so where are we now?
were half way between totally nutty and comfortable.

My baby is growing so fast and so perfect, i just love everyday that I watch her grow.

happy halloween and please keep hurricane victems in your thoughts and prayers!

torrie "coco ing" (coloring)

torrie and my aunt

Friday Letters

Dear Bloggers,

Ive been absent I know- but I know I keep saying this but Ive got a lot going on, mentally and emotionally, theyre mostly kept under wraps because I dont want torrie to feed off me and I dont really have anyone to vent to besides the people that are involved in making me feel like a two ton pile of shit. anyway, I promise to try harder to get on here and post, plus it doesnt help that my laptop broke 278363 months ago and I still havent gotten a new one. I need to soon because I start classes in January and I will 100% need it.

Stay Tuned

Dear Torrie,

You're my princess!! you amaze me everyday and I love you! your walking is getting so much better and your talking is NEVER ENDING!! you try new words everyday! its so funny! now you quack and moo- its great!

Love,
Mom


Dear New College,

I havent even gotten my acceptance letter yet and I'm already having nightmares about english class!! which I dont even have to take again!! WTF! thanks alot.

anticipated student.


Dear Lottery,

PICK ME! PICK ME!!

desperate in CT.

Stuff

I'm not going to lie, I have been absent on here for a reason, I am trying not to air all my laundry on blogger, especially since im not exactly sure who my audience is.

I grew up with a messed up childhood, I grew up fast, learned to support and take care of myself at a young age and basically do what I had to do. It took alot to fess up and have to move back home after torrie's father and I split. I was the main supporter of that household, but unfourtunately the home was in his name so we couldnt stay and I had to come back to my parents.
My issue is not with my mom, its with my dad. I will not go there but it is becoming increasingly harder to live in a house with this man, sometimes I dont want to even call him dad, lately his issues seem even worse then when I was young. That sucks. For a brief period in my life I was happy to have him be my dad, things were going well for my family, I finally felt safe and happy. Those things never last.
Torrie's dad is a replica of my father, I refuse to have Torrie;s life be my life story on repeat. Everyday I make choices to try and change how her childhood turns out. My choices are soley based on whats best for her at the moment, and if that means less time with dad, then thats what it means.
thats what i needed to get off my chest.

Today I am mailing my college application. I makes me worried. I have a stomach ache. Is this the best decsicion? I know it is, but I just am in a "comfort" zone that I am about to interrupt. ugh I just cant even speak on this right now I might puke!

Torrie is doing 1million times better since her surgery, her vocabulary is becoming endless!!! she is becoming a walking talking machine!
this weekend we went pumpkin picking. I have the pics on my real camera but their not downloaded yet.
here are some of her father and I decorating them!
guess what their supposed to be!

Dear Torrie (Surgery Version)

Dear Torrie,

Late Monday night I decided to chronical your surgery day with pictures, at some points I dont have pictures because it was becoming a nuisance to keep up with. So here goes.

I woke you up at 540 am - you did not like this at all....

I packed you in the car and we went to go get daddy. It was unusually cold that morning.

Once we arrived mommy started getting nervous, I was having flashbacks to when you were in the nicu, it was very unpleasant. I had daddy carry you in while I checked you into admitting.

At first you thought it was really cool, the waiting room had real live fish and tables and chairs and there were a couple other kids waiting as well. The intake lady came out and put a pretty pink ID bracelet on you and you were still in the cool zone at this point.

Then, they moved us upstairs to the surgical floor and there was also really cool things there too. I didnt get any pictures of that because I was too busy pulling you off of standing on the tables and keeping you from yelling at the other kids.
They called your name and we went back to the preop room. they had toys there too, they took your height and weight AGAIN and then we waited for each doc to come in and explain everything to us AGAIN (just like that needless appt we had last week like I said, Pointless) and then we waited some more. they gave you a baby xanax because when mommy went to the bathroom you had a major meltdown malfunction soooooooooo basically it wasnt so smooth.
Heres you playing with the trucks in the pre-op room

heres daddy and mommy beginning to get bored of waiting so much for each doc to come in.

after they gave you that xanax (that didnt work) and we changed you into a surgery gown you realized something was up. Thats when the real breakdown started.

These next couple parts have no pictures, because they consist of your father and I waiting in the waiting room for someone to come out and give us some news.
The pulmonologist came out first, she said you did well the whole procedure, she then confided that she was a little worried at first about your lungs collapsing but you did awesome so now shes not worried anymore. she said your lungs were still very underdeveloped and so were your vocal cords. she took biopsys of your lungs to see if theres any other possibilty for something else being the cause BESIDES your prematurity, otherwise if everything comes back normal, you will grow out of it in about 18 months.
Your tubes and adenoids are self explainitory, your tubes went in and adneoids came out.
You scared everyone a little because you had a hard time coming out of anesthesia, they came out and told us you were having a little trouble so they had to keep you in the OR until you took breaths on your own, another hour passed and no one came out, a few minutes before I started melting down they came out and got us, you were still sleeping but stable now....

After an hour of you sleeping the nurse said we could wake you and hold you until you came fully out, so we did, we just were so desparate to touch you the whole time you were sleeping.

then you really woke up and realized you were hooked up to a whole bunch of stuff and tyou let the nurse know that she better take it out now or else. everytime she came by you held up your arm with the iv in it and pointed to it and spewed baby jumble at her letting her know you werent happy with it.
she finally took it off and gave you a prize. you picked a purple pony from my little pony.

then we were able to go home, you were on and off with your miserableness all day, you stayed up until 9 tho and you were pretty resistant to any kind of real pain, which is good.

now we are spending the next couple days at home recovering. Today I made you some edible paint, good thing because most of it ended up in your mouth and in your hair.

and now my sweet angel you are napping, so I will go lay down now too.
You're such a trooper,
I love you,
Mom.

Dear Torrie

Dear Torrie,

Tomarrow is your big surgery- well, its probably small surgery in the world of surgeries but in my world it is horrendous !!!! I'm just so nervous about all of the what-if and If I am making the right decision!

I know you will be okay, but it is going to break my heart to see you laying in that recovery room. what if this changes your personality? what if your never the same? what if you react to the anesthesia? Im just terribly worried.

I am glad tho, that your dad will be there too. it will really help me when Im sitting there in a trance about to freak out. I am waiting on the call now to tell us what time to arrive, I know its going to be early like 5 or 6 am, so Im planning on being sleepless anyway.

We got your halloween costume this weekend, and although i said I was keeping it simple, We ended up picking out a pirate costume.

its acctually really adorable, but you dont like the hat. I had to bribe you this morning with a donut to take this picture for me.

So, basically torrie, I hope this is the saving grace for all of your illnesses, and I hope its smooth and I hope your even happier then you are now after all is said and done.