Dear Torrie

Dear Torrie,

 It has been a particularly crazy week this week filled with alot of emotions that mommy may not be able to express. I promise to do my best to chart out this process with you, so one day you will know exactly what happened in your baby years.

This week you had two very special appts, one with the ENT (ears nose and throat) and one with the Pulmonologist (lung doctor), neither appt went fantastic but it is opening doors to alot of new things that will be happening in the next few months.

At the ENT, you were noted for having abnormal sized adenoids, increased mucus, and fluid in the ears. they do two simple procedures to fix that- A. remove your adenoids and B. put tubes in your ears. Mommy was satisfied by this and it seems like a simple fix. You will be having this done in September, unless the next tests show something different it might happen sooner.

At the Pulmonologist, things started out similar. She agreed that you need your adenoids out and I was happy about that, but then came the bad news, this is where mommy is struggling- my emotions are all over the map and I just dont know how to feel right now with no answers, just waiting, and questioning where everything could go wrong.

When you have increased mucus it could be caused by a deadly genetic disease called Cystic Fibrosis (CF) in order to have CF you have to have two recessive genes. Mommy carries one and it is unknown if daddy does. They now think you may be the one in the million to inherit this disease. Mommy will not go into detailed discription about the disease but basically it is a grim prognosis and that leaves mommy very hurt, this is something I cannot protect you from, this is something that will make you suffer.
Next week you will be going for the test to see if you have this disease- I am praying to god that you dont and so are many other people.
Turns out, if that comes out negative then we are hoping after your adenoids are out then you will stop being sick and you may just have asthma in the end, mommy is hoping this is the case. Right now there are so many unknowns that I just want to start off with this letter so when I write again it begins to make more sense.

I'm hurt tor, you already fought for your life, you already proved you wanted to be here, you already proved your mommys girl and that no matter what you made my life complete, and I love you. I wish i can take all the bad things away that have ever hurt/will hurt you. I just cant deal right now, I am hurt, I am very hurt.

I love you will all my heart. I am praying that you are a healthy girl,
Love,
Mom