9 months!

I want to start by introducing you to a few characters, obviously I am mom, torrie is my daughter, and G is torrie's dad who is in but out of the picture. (hes in her life and participates actively but is not living with or "caring" for her at the moment while he deals with personal issues) he will be mentioned in posts but for the most part unless its relevant (like this post) then he will be left out.

Torrie Turned 9 months on wednesday!! whoo hoo! and two days ago she had her 9 month physical!!
- lets start with her physical
I left the office disappointed. I started at the office happy and excited to see how much my baby girl has grown. me and G took Torrie to the doctors, we have no patience, we arrived 1/2 hour early, the nurses came out to see Torrie (they always come out, they’re amazed by how far she’s come) me and G sat with her played, showed her the fishes in the fish tank, and took pictures of her playing in the waiting area.
at last its time to go back!! g and I race to the room, get her undressed to see how much she weighs on the scale, 18 pounds 9 ounces!! holy shit!! she’s huge!! we laugh, and shes 27.5 inches long that’s the 50% percentile for areas. (at six months for height and weight she was not even on the chart in percentile!!) we are both beaming with excitement
UNTIL- the nurse chimes in “mom” (she called me) we need you to fill out this questionnaire about Torrie’s milestones so far. I say okay and G says that I can do it while he entertains the baby until the doc comes in (gee thanks) so I hop to it.
there were 5 sections, the first section went by with a breeze and I was feeling very confident, and as the sections went on I felt more and more depressed. I felt like I was checking off more “not yet’s” then “does well” and I was getting discouraged. while G sat laying with Torrie still filled with joy and excitement on how far our little preemie had come, my smile slowly started to fade.
what the hell was i thinking? my baby is slower to grow then i thought, sure she’s gained a few pounds, grew a few inches and sits by herself, but what more can i say then that? other 9 month olds are on the verge of walking and here I am checking off not yet on every other question. this sucks. the day i was anticipating, SUCKS.
g asks how i’m doing and i fake a smile and say great. he wouldn’t get it if I told him, and he would be defensive about her delays anyway.  so there is no point in wasting my breath. I finish I hide it in the corner just as the doctor walks in.
the rest of the visit went great, the doctor was extremely pleased with Torrie and her progress, she gave her a hug and a kiss goodbye , we got our shots and left.
so if the doctors not disappointed then why am I?
this is why- I have failed as a mother. i should be doing more for my baby, i should be putting more effort into making her meet her milestones ugh, i have sat and sulked on this for 2 days now, and here’s what i realized.
as i sat tonight playing with my precious baby girl- she was laughing hysterically, from the bottom of her belly, it was adorable it was cute, and ive never seen her laugh so hard at me before. i loved it, and i stared into her little eyes and i thought about my sadness and how she does not feel sad or sorry for herself, how she does not even notice how far behind she is, im wasting my time with her being upset when i could be using it to help her achieve goals. i am failing myself.
she is a fucking miracle, she could have easily given up from day one, she could be paralyzed blind or mutated from being premature but she isn’t. she is PERFECT and she is meeting milestones at her own pace and time, and she will meet them eventually when she’s ready. what is more important is that she is happy and healthy and smart, and she is all of the above, and i love her every single day for that.

 torrie in the waiting room for her 9 month check up :)