Dear Torrie (Surgery Version)

Dear Torrie,

Late Monday night I decided to chronical your surgery day with pictures, at some points I dont have pictures because it was becoming a nuisance to keep up with. So here goes.

I woke you up at 540 am - you did not like this at all....

I packed you in the car and we went to go get daddy. It was unusually cold that morning.

Once we arrived mommy started getting nervous, I was having flashbacks to when you were in the nicu, it was very unpleasant. I had daddy carry you in while I checked you into admitting.

At first you thought it was really cool, the waiting room had real live fish and tables and chairs and there were a couple other kids waiting as well. The intake lady came out and put a pretty pink ID bracelet on you and you were still in the cool zone at this point.

Then, they moved us upstairs to the surgical floor and there was also really cool things there too. I didnt get any pictures of that because I was too busy pulling you off of standing on the tables and keeping you from yelling at the other kids.
They called your name and we went back to the preop room. they had toys there too, they took your height and weight AGAIN and then we waited for each doc to come in and explain everything to us AGAIN (just like that needless appt we had last week like I said, Pointless) and then we waited some more. they gave you a baby xanax because when mommy went to the bathroom you had a major meltdown malfunction soooooooooo basically it wasnt so smooth.
Heres you playing with the trucks in the pre-op room

heres daddy and mommy beginning to get bored of waiting so much for each doc to come in.

after they gave you that xanax (that didnt work) and we changed you into a surgery gown you realized something was up. Thats when the real breakdown started.

These next couple parts have no pictures, because they consist of your father and I waiting in the waiting room for someone to come out and give us some news.
The pulmonologist came out first, she said you did well the whole procedure, she then confided that she was a little worried at first about your lungs collapsing but you did awesome so now shes not worried anymore. she said your lungs were still very underdeveloped and so were your vocal cords. she took biopsys of your lungs to see if theres any other possibilty for something else being the cause BESIDES your prematurity, otherwise if everything comes back normal, you will grow out of it in about 18 months.
Your tubes and adenoids are self explainitory, your tubes went in and adneoids came out.
You scared everyone a little because you had a hard time coming out of anesthesia, they came out and told us you were having a little trouble so they had to keep you in the OR until you took breaths on your own, another hour passed and no one came out, a few minutes before I started melting down they came out and got us, you were still sleeping but stable now....

After an hour of you sleeping the nurse said we could wake you and hold you until you came fully out, so we did, we just were so desparate to touch you the whole time you were sleeping.

then you really woke up and realized you were hooked up to a whole bunch of stuff and tyou let the nurse know that she better take it out now or else. everytime she came by you held up your arm with the iv in it and pointed to it and spewed baby jumble at her letting her know you werent happy with it.
she finally took it off and gave you a prize. you picked a purple pony from my little pony.

then we were able to go home, you were on and off with your miserableness all day, you stayed up until 9 tho and you were pretty resistant to any kind of real pain, which is good.

now we are spending the next couple days at home recovering. Today I made you some edible paint, good thing because most of it ended up in your mouth and in your hair.

and now my sweet angel you are napping, so I will go lay down now too.
You're such a trooper,
I love you,
Mom.

Dear Torrie

Dear Torrie,

Tomarrow is your big surgery- well, its probably small surgery in the world of surgeries but in my world it is horrendous !!!! I'm just so nervous about all of the what-if and If I am making the right decision!

I know you will be okay, but it is going to break my heart to see you laying in that recovery room. what if this changes your personality? what if your never the same? what if you react to the anesthesia? Im just terribly worried.

I am glad tho, that your dad will be there too. it will really help me when Im sitting there in a trance about to freak out. I am waiting on the call now to tell us what time to arrive, I know its going to be early like 5 or 6 am, so Im planning on being sleepless anyway.

We got your halloween costume this weekend, and although i said I was keeping it simple, We ended up picking out a pirate costume.

its acctually really adorable, but you dont like the hat. I had to bribe you this morning with a donut to take this picture for me.

So, basically torrie, I hope this is the saving grace for all of your illnesses, and I hope its smooth and I hope your even happier then you are now after all is said and done.

Friday Letters

Dear Torrie,

I dont know why my letters always start with you, I guess because your always the first and last thing on my mind and everything else is just mixed in the middle. So, my question is WHY ARE YOUR SLEEP HABITS ALL MESSED UP! I just cant deal, one morning you sleep normal the next we are up at dead time 3am. Im getting discumbobulated completely!

Love,
Mom

Dear Yale NH hospital,

you're dumb, the anesthesia appointment was all but worthless, we totally could have had a phone conversation. Hopefully your staff is plesant on tuesday for torrie's surgery OR i might have to whoop some hossy ass.

Sinceraly,
Disgruntled mom

Dear work,

are we done yet this week? I cant take much more of you, luckily I will be out most of next week taking care of Torrie, and although I wont be getting paid I still dont really think I care.

with sincerest love,
Employee.

Dear God,

please take care of my baby while shes under the knife on tuesday, I know its minor but I'm a mom, its my job to worry.

Love,
Sam

Dear Weight,

I know ive been bingeing but please stay where you are, dont go up, I promise I will treat you well soon.

-Hopelessly Overweight


Dear Paranormal state,

Im obsessed with watching your show on Netflix, and I love chasing ghosts with you, but I still get nightmares, I think someones eating my binge food at night, damn those ghosts, please tone it down a notch or ill have to tune you out.

See ya!
-Avid Ghost Hunter.

Step One

Hi Torrie~!

Today was your pre-op appt with the hospital for your bronco scope/adnoidectomy/Eustachian tubes (which all of those are spelt wrong) and it went well, you were 27.3 pounds and 34 inches long!!!!! You will be soon out-passing my 62 inch mark! infact you are basically half of my height. what a scary thought!


so anyway- first we met with the anesthesia nurse- she was really nice. Daddy kept asking her questions UNRELATED to your surgery like about pizza and sleeping thru the night. Mommy listened intently to all the details and answered all the questions that were important.

Then we met with your advocate for the surgery- its basically a girl or guy who speaks on your behalf during the surgery when mommy and daddy cant be their who knows what mommy and daddy do and do not want to happen under certain circumstances. I think thats a good thing. Also, you liked her because she had some great stickers for you!

Then finally we met the anesthesiologist who told us all about how shes going to make you act like a "drunk sailor" (these are her words by the way) then they will lay you on the table and make you laugh a little bit and you will be sleeping for a couple hours.

AND THEN THE BAD NEWS. after your surgery theyre going to come talk to us blah blah blah. then mom and dad get to come SIT NEXT TO YOU! without touching or talking to you!!!! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT B*** S*** i cant I will need to squeeze and hold you/ I understood that i would scare you and make you have like a panic attack in your sleep but still. moms need to comfort their babies.

we left and I was upset, all the stress of this I had been holding back came flooding out in tears. seriously I balled my eyes out on the elevator when I got off a bunch of giddy nurses were staring at me like I just found out someone died.

Everyone said you were cute tho, but that happens everyday.

so basically this was step one, you have been cleared for surgery and I cant wait until this is just done and over with.

Tuesday's the day!

Love
MOM.

Fat Tuesday

Can we just say total disppointment????

I have to admit this past month has been a total bingefest (- as in late night taco bell runns, pizza/cheese sticks, mcdonalds, no excersise-) on my behalf because I've just been so overloaded lately. The stress of torrie's surgery and some mounting  expenses and just plain life have totally just comsumed my time and energy, plus torrie is still sleeping terribly and I just cant figure out why.

I really dont feel like bitching and moaning on here about my depressing life, but I did restart my regimes today and hopefully it will just get better from here on out.

So- I am just so thrilled to be starting school again and continuing with my nursing education and maybe becoming a NICU nurse- if i work up enough nerves.
and Oh boy would life be good when I graduate AGAIN....

Friday Letters

I decided to copy cat some of the blogs I follow and do friday letters. I doubt I am half as witty as they are.
Well, Here goes!

Dear Torrie,
Thank you for finally sleeping thru the night last night. I cannot tell you how surprised I was when I woke up with the urge to pee and saw the clock say 6:20!!

I love you,
Mom

Dear G, (torrie's dad)
I think that we have officially run our course in this relationship, after your antics for the last month, the 9000 chances I have given you to fix this relationship has run dry. Have a nice life.

-bitter ex.

Dear work,
even tho i missed most of the week due to torrie's puke fest- im still glad its friday and that my time with you this week is over.

-employee

dear collection agency/former college,
thank you for letting me prove you wrong, and admitting that I acctually dont owe you money. How about you fix my credit score now, and pay ME for all the time i wasted proving you wrong. I especially loved how you thought i was young and dumb and didnt save any paper work- But i acctually saved EVERY SCRAP OF PAPER you ever handed me. Thanks for that, it helped me show what ass rapers you acctually are. Now I can go back to school (a different one) in january! yipee!

-pleasantly surprised

Dear New College,
I cant wait to start you this winter. I am sad that it will take some time away from my baby, but I hope she realizes I did this for her in the long run.

-new life

dear mom,
Thanks for always helping with torrie and being there when I need you. Thanks for picking her up from daycare and allowing me to go back to school with your help.

-loving daughter

AND FINALLY-

DEAR STRESS,
Why are you in my life torturing me??? Get the fuck out!!!!

-miserable in CT

Dear Torrie, 15 months

Dear Torrie,

You are now 15 months old! What a terrific milestone!! While you actually turned 15 months on September 7^th I wanted to wait for your physical to get all your stats into one post! Which was an epic fail since you have had a violent stomach big for the past 3 days. SO all I know is that you are 27 pounds, I have no clue how long/short you are or anything really because you spent the entire time their puking. Plus mommy is beyond exhausted because you have allowed me to get 0 ounces of sleep. thanks babe.

                Mommy is so proud of all the things you are doing now! You are walking- you’re a little pigeon toe’d and a little bow legged but we will talk to the doctor about that. you also try to run. You’re not great at walking but I think it has something to do with your feet because you fall a lot.

You talk A LOT. Even when your just babbling and its not clear what you mean- your talking constantly. Momma, dada, lexi, olly, nightnight, yes/no (sometimes) poppop, up, and many others! You  always seem to amaze me!! You also sing to the tune of the ABC’S- they arnt exactly clear but you can tell that its an effort!!

You are beginning to like to be read to- you will sit for most of a book and you like to point to the pictures, you also like to watch barney and other sing-a-longs.  You love to dance J

You get especially excited when I turn barney and friends on in the car J

You love to play at the park, the swings and the slide and the ride on motorcycle, you love being outside and in your wagon.

You’re attached to your little owl friend and you cuddle him all the time!

You are OCD about your shoes, you always have to have them on, and when we take them off you put your slippers on! It’s rather silly!!

You no longer like pony’s or bows in your hair- this makes mommy sad, and you will let me cut/paint your nails now while you’re  awake.

You have started throwing tantrums,- this upsets me because I don’t always know why you’re doing it, and you do it at daycare too, I think we have a long two years ahead of us L

Unfortunately you are still always sick, but you have your big surgery coming up on sept 25^th, where we hope to have a cure/answers and that all this will end.

Basically Tor, your super smart! Your savvier then I ever imagined you’d be and you catch on/learn quickly which is a good thing!

You have become such an amazing girl and mommy and daddy love you sooo much, we could never imagine our lives without you now.

and now for some pictures.

I love you!!

Love,

Mom

Fit Tuesday

Start weight- 148.6 lbs
Goal weight-126 lbs

Today's weight- 146


Its the same, I know, but you know what I just cant deal right now. Ive been an emotional wreck. Ive been stress eating, I had Chinese, taco bell, and pizza all within a 48 hour period- pathetic i know, I am pretty sure its a Christmas miracle that I didn't gain 70 pounds instead. Ive been under too much pressure with all the overtime Ive been working, with splitting my time between two homes, with Torrie's illness/surgery coming up with her new temper tantrums- its enough to make a crazy person sane!!

On a lighter more positive note- I have NOT slacked on exercising. I did wind up with a very nice jogger stroller (picture will be posted soon) and also just been trying to at least maintain that aside from my food indulgences.

This fitness this has become a second obsession of mine I have been researching natural herbs to boost metabolism and all that fun stuff- so I think ill start that this week- also the eating thing has to end. but the other thing is i have been started on depo provera which causes serious weight gain- while i haven't gained weight (which is good because it prob means I wont that this point) it also gives you major carb cravings and also has maintained my weight i think. SOOOO that's a battle all in itself.


This week is Torrie's 15 month birthday and I will be doing a MAJOR post about her and whats going on, ESPECIALLY since I missed her 14 month one.

I don't have a computer right now so that's why my posts have been far and few between.

and finally I want to show a progression photo- the first is the one I posted back in may at the beginning of the journey- and the second is from this morning! not a big difference but a difference indeed!!! I think I look taller now LOL :) the left is today the right is may.