Dear Torrie

Dear Torrie,

It is hard to imagine that in just seven days you will be one year old.
Gosh I remember being a kid and one year seemed so long, and here you are in the blink of an eye SO big and smart and beautiful! It amazes me everyday how much you've grown in such little time. I miss your baby days and your sleepiness and the cuddling and the bottles and not the food. I miss your newborn smell and your teeny teeny and even teenier clothes. And now here you are so full of personality and life and adventures. O I just cant take it.

I know the posts have been rather lax in your favor lately. It seems we are in a funk of just living our day to day lives, we haven't had much fun lately, its been so crazy planning this party, and getting things together. I am sorry baby girl, with the exception of Tuesday this week will be all about you.

I was thinking this morning as I was watching you sleep, how I wonder what you will be like when your older. what will you look like? who will you look like? what skin color will you be? how will your voice sound? how tall will you be? how smart/kind/compassionate/caring will you be? will you like me? will you hate me? what kind of relationship will we have??

I don't know the future, but I do know that I can see you as a vibrant full of personality girl. You have a great personality already, your photogenic, you LOVE to make people laugh. when you see someone laugh or smile at your craziness you laugh and smile from the bottom of your belly. I see you as an entertainer or working with people. I see you as being smart and a problem solver. I see you as being able to communicate smoothly and easily with people. I see you as being like able and successful. I see you overcoming and demolishing every obstacle that ever comes you way. I see you as being strong and courageous/ political and controversial/ committed and determined to make your thoughts matter.

I just love you baby, and no matter what you ever come to be, there's one thing you will ALWAYS be and that's mine, and no matter what you are, that will never change.

always keep your smile, always keep your laughs, you will need them more than anything in this wild world!

So here it is the countdown to your first year of Life.
7 days left, and trying to stall it just a little longer!

 we made the march of dimes website, here's us walking for all the preemies just like you!


Love,
Mom.

Fit Tuesday

Goal weight:

120-130

Start Weight:

162

last week's weight:

152

This week

150

I have to admit, the 150 comes as a complete shock to me. I really fell off the wagon this weekend, I ate alot of carbs, did not exersise and ate really late at night. So I am very pleased that it did not affect my weight total for this week. I was hoping to be under 150 but hey, beggers cant be choosers people.

So, a few new things-

1. i need to cut back again and get back on to my old habits- thats a give in-
2. I need to excersise hard this week.
3. I need to do the liquid diet 24 hour cleanse that I keep planning on doing.
4. I think I need to go back on weight watchers- this disappoints me, I dont have anything against WW, I just hate recording everything- it makes me get anal about what I'm eating and I really have to pay way too much attention to what im doing. But hey- it works so I might do that to get down another 10 lbs.

and lastly, My motivation, even tho she stayed up till 10 last night playing and talking to her glow worm in her crib.

as you can see she was very tired this morning.

Struggling

I am really struggling with this whole baby growing up thing.
I just cant believe in two weeks my beautiful 3 lb 8oz preemie will be one year old.
She is just Amazing.
I'm watching her learn so many new things, and react to the things I say, and understand certain words.
Sometimes I rock her, I try not to rock her to sleep too much because I don't want her to get into a bad habit, but sometimes I just want to hold her, when shes nice and quiet and we can just rest.
Last night we got home late from her dads house, she was having a hard time settling down so i just held her in my lap. she was giggling at me and smiling, and I just stared at her face.
she is so pretty, and her face is changing, shes starting not to have that round baby face but more of a shape and looks more like a toddler. this really made me sad, I just wanted to hold that moment, so she didnt get any bigger and smarter, and just freeze time. Where did this year go?
I spent so much time worrying about her health, her breathing, her milestones, her eating, her illnesses, her doctors appts, her bills, her daycare, her clothes and diapers and wipes and formula, and now here I sit, enjoying this one moment, where all the others are a distant memory, and we move on with a new relationship thats growing older and becoming different and closer.

Im just in awe that this is it, her big day is near and I wont have a "baby" anymore.

Picture Perfect Friday

And we are going to top it off with a nice long 3 day weekend!
And pray that Daddy Rocks out at his new job interveiw on monday!!

Thoughtless

I don't know what to title this post, i do know this will probably be one of the most difficult posts i will write. This is because I am doubting my child. I never want to doubt her but I am so upset, I feel like shes wonderful, perfect, beautiful, and smart. I feel like shes come so far, and I cannot believe she will be one in two weeks. How perfect, my beautiful baby will be one.

Now, I never thought Torrie would do things normal, theres always a chance of things developmentally being wrong with preemies, when we got past the fright of having cerebral palsy, I generally thought we were out in the clear, and I was happily raising my child.

But how dare I believe there are no other evils out there to confront my baby, how dare I stay naive to all the possibilities that are out there.

Torrie has been in physical therapy for her first year, since she came home from the NICU. generally I'm okay with these girls that come and see her, they are very nice. there is one in particular who I do not like. She points out everything Torrie does wrong and doesn't back it up with a positive
(this makes me feel like shit. I would like for her to say, "well she should have her leg tucked under more, but her hands are positioned great and she is making fantastic progress") nothing of the sort ever comes out of her mouth, its always rude and sounds condescending like i don't know what she means.
she also has no sense of humor, she takes everything i say literally. this is annoying.

and lastly she scares the shit out of me with her bullshit crap.

Ive just been so happy with Torrie lately, she is saying mama and dada and shes just progressing with eating and drinking from a straw and crawling and standing and everything else.

this woman came over today and rocked my world. and I don't mean in bed, or in a good way.

she told me that Torrie shouldn't be standing on her toes still (i know this but she refuses to believe its a work in progress) she said she shouldnt do this rocking thing when shes excited, she said these are signs of a sensory motor development problem.

HOLD THE MOTHER FUCKING PHONE HERE.

is this a  joke? this woman really wants me to get her fired. Really, because I'm about to make my fourth complaint about her.
I just I just. no. Torrie does not have that issue.
the only thing i know about it is that its on the autism spectrum. the other thing i know is that i refuse to google it.
and I refuse to believe she has it.


i don't even know what to say, this does not change how i feel about my child,
this changes the fact that i was partially over my guilt of giving birth at 30 weeks and now, that's gone. i feel like shit, i feel like a horrible mother, and I feel like I need to call her pediatrician and have her evaluated by a second opinion.

and I seriously think that this woman is wrong.

now i should say she did not say Torrie had it, she said that if she doesn't grow out of it in the next couple months or when she starts full on walking, then we will have to evaluate further.

THAT. does not work for me, I cannot sit here waiting for Torrie to walk and not know if this child needs more help, does she need special things.

I cant, I cannot do this, I am not a good enough mom to handle this. I just need to hold my child and apologize.
I just cant deal.

Fit Tuesday

Fit Tuesday

Goal weight:

120-130

Start Weight:

162

last week's weight:

154

This week:

152

The first 10 POUNDS  are down!!
I celebrated by eating a sandwich on a roll, normally I would eat half but I ate the whole thing. I also excersised more then usual this weekend, so I probably walked off the roll anyway.
So I lost the first ten, this is fantastic, I'm still regularly going to the gym but my workouts have been shorter and more intense. I'm noticing a difference in my clothing, and I also see a difference in my body, the baby belly is going down SLOWLY.
In my previous post I mentioned fitting into a smaller jean. this is true! I bought these jeans and when i got home they wouldnt go past my waste. I tried them on this weekend and they fit, and i was even able to wear a belt. this was exciting.

Wishes-

• that i could lose 5 more pounds by torries party, which is on June 10th
• That I can lose 10 pounds more by july 4th.

fears-

• I think this next ten is going to be harder to lose


• Dieting is getting harder, and I need to be less lienent and more strict with what I'm currently doing.

Jury Duty or No Duty

"It is your civic duty to serve as a public jury", "you will feel it as a rewarding experience since very few people are "lucky" to be able to serve on a jury trial"

That is what the judge said in his morning announcement to us, 50 or so jurors.

what a total waste of time.
the morning started by me checking in and finding a seat amongst a lot of smelly people.
I hate perfumes, I totally hate colognes and I definitely hate Body odor.
so i found a seat where no one was and spread myself out to be three seats wide.
and what do you know, out of the 100 seats someone had to smack there ass in the seat next to me.

so moving on. i brought a book. it was a book a hadn't started, it was 300 pages, I finished the book at 2:38 pm.

I was called in to hear about the criminal case i "might" be selected for, it was disgusting. absolutely disgusting.

if i had known i would have to go back and sit some more i would have been pist to be called first.

so now i go and sit some more and wait for the judge to call me back to be questioned to determine whether I would be a candidate or not for the jury.

4 more hours go by,
I'm listening to a bunch of strangers tell other strangers their business and lives like they knew them for the last 20 years, this was annoying. there was also a man that was so annoying that by the end of the day  everybody knew his name.

it is now 330 pm, i ran out of food, water, and my book is finished.

the guy finally comes in, rattles off names, I hear mine, and run over.

"the judge apologizes for the delay but said that you guys can go, you have fulfilled your civic duty for the next 3 yrs, unfortunately you will not get the great experience of being part of a jury trial."

really dude? great experience? of what? missing days of work (cant believe i said that)?sitting and listening to people talk about things that are so disgusting i cant believe even happen?
i would rather poke my eyeballs out and sit in a Porto potty.

but for real dude, I'm not going to lose sleep over not being on a jury trial. try again next time.

so all in all besides my neck cramp, I got to pick Torrie up around 4 which is an hour earlier then usual, and we played. then i went to the gym. my head wasn't in it so i came home early.


and i saw exactly what i was missing.

my beautiful princess sleeping.

Torrie's dress for her party came in the mail today. we tried it on and excuse me but it is fucking adorable, and i almost took a picture, but I'm not its going to be a surprise for my birthday post!

Another Fabulous Day...

....In Torrie Land...
we went to the beach on a detour this morning, after we went to pick out her cake for her party. we spent most of the day at the park, enjoying the swings and just playing on our blanket. Later the three of us watched movies and now we're snuggled tight in bed.

My sunburn is suffering and I'm in pain. it hurts to wear a shirt. Luckily for Torrie she inherited her fathers afro skin so she only got darker in our weekend activities.


And now, the weekend is over, it was such a blessed weekend, there was little to be upset about.

Tomorrow i have jury duty. I'm shittin my pants about it. I asked my mom if she thought i could say i have an anxiety disorder and i wouldn't be able to cope with a trial, and she said she was pretty sure i would cry when they ask me the intro questions and they would no doubtingly dismiss me. ugh, I'm scared.

For The Love of Beaches

Well, I earned myself a nice sunburn today, there's definite proof that i enjoyed today's 80 degree weather!

Torrie, G and I went to the beach, we had a long talk about things and future plans, and well right now everything is just peachy.

Of course the point of my post is that I'm posting some pics!

I just love the beach, I grew up around it, and we vacation at it, and luckily the local beach has a nice boardwalk to walk Torrie along. its just great to get out and a bout for a few hours for some peaceful fresh air. I was also able to wear a pair of Capri's that one month ago I could not get past my thighs. How's that for exciting?! i even had to wear a belt!

Pics of the view of where we took pictures.

isnt it creepy how much they look alike?!

Love you little bear :)

Woes of Mothering

I think that as a mother there are things we often question ourselves about. Like should I have done that? or was that the right thing to do? or am i giving my child everything he/she needs to grow and learn.
Believe me when i say that this has to be one of the hardest things to overcome as a mother. I'm constantly questioning whether I'm doing the right things for my daughter, are my decisions now going to affect her future? am i setting a good example?
There's, alot of things that come natural to me. My mom was a good mom in the sense that she just loved us so much, that she did everything for us.
But now I'm a mom, surprisingly i have great work ethic, even tho Ive never done a chore in my entire life, i don't know how to cook anything properly, I still manage to make it thru life pretending i do. i hold myself together pretty well, and well now I'm off topic so let me veer myself back into the direction i was going.

my maternal instincts. I'd say there really good, EXCEPT

every single day i question myself on Torrie's wardrobe, i know you think this might be a little looney tooney, but I'm serious here, don't send me to the cray cray house just yet.

I'm a big fan of the news, i also have a weather app on my phone, every morning i see what the weather is like and I dress Torrie appropriately for that day.
Torrie and I are just not fans of socks, or shoes for that matter, so when its going to be really nice, i throw on her sandals real quick (without socks) just to go to school in so i don't look like a total wack, even tho i think its still appropriate at her age not to wear shoes in public.
I also don't always put a jacket on. this is where my questioning comes into play.

Day 1: Torrie's wearing a nice short sleeved outfit and a skirt , which shows arms and most of her legs, shes also barefoot, its about 55 when i drop her off but feels like 60, high for the day will be around 80. she has no jacket on, but in her bag is a spare of warmer clothes and a jacket.

everyone else is wearing long pants and a jacket, and socks with shoes.

day two: same weather forecast, Torrie is wearing a tank top with Capri's, same spare clothes, and sandals.

everyone else is wearing long sleeves long pants and a jacket.

day three: Torrie is dressed similarly for the same forecast and I walk 20 feet out the door, turn back around, say to Torrie "lets have mommy be a good mom today" and i put a jacket and socks on her and take her to school.

am i wrong for not having her wear a jacket? If I was wearing a jacket and she wasn't, i would think this was odd, but if I'm comfortable without one, then she should be too. she isn't a newborn anymore, she should be comfortable, if not more comfortable then I am in certain weather conditions.
I mean these other parents dress their kids like its gong to drop to 30 below all the sudden.

I think its fair to say that maybe she should have a jacket on for the morning commute, but I just don't always agree, I don't understand why everyone is over dressing their kids? or am I under dressing mine?


and P.S

if you noticed in the beginning i posted sandals without socks, that s because some dingo mother, actually two dingo mothers dressed their children in sandals with socks, what kind of moron are you, your child looks terdy or nerdy or whatever. it looks ridiculous, those shoes are meant to be worn barefoot. don't teach your child stupid habits like that!!! On top of it they were the jelly sandals which i personally adore, and to me that's a mortal sin.
if its not warm enough to wear them without socks (which it 100% was) then don't wear them at all.

the end.

Diapers

Diapers are a waste for one thing, and they pollute the earth for another.
i hate almost every brand out there especially HUGGIES because they resemble that of wet toilet paper stuck to someones ass when they get too wet. and yes Ive been guilty of that several times when we are out shopping or somewhere where it would be a ridiculous amount of work to find somewhere to change her.

I like generic. yes i said it, I'm a store brand shopper. the quality just seems to be better, they hold more piss then a bounty towel, shall we try it in one of their commercials? how about them apples Huggies! you suck the big one! So, while that's said, the daycare wastes my diapers, they must think I'm really dumb not to think that they're using them on some other child's hiney. because they are. it is impossible for my child to go thru 96 diapers in one week. it is utterly in-freaking-possible.
which is why I'm mad right now because i had a shitload of diapers and now their gone because the daycare is pampering one of the rich kids asses with my poor kids diapers.
that's right, I'm the poor mother in the class, the only single mother in the class, who cant pick her kid up 9 times out of 10 because i have to work so much,
and so you choose to use my freaking diapers on the rich kids ass, who brings in individually wrapped waffles (name brand) but they cant bring in a freaking diaper???
so you share my kid's generic diapers, and generic food with those kids?! how dare you.

HOW FREAKIN DARE YOU.

rant over. but its true, and I'm serious, I'm pist off. i really dint think its fair. I work really hard to support Torrie all alone without help and they re making it really hard.
not to mention i didn't have to buy a single diaper until Torrie was 5 months because we had such a large stash.


speaking of money. I'm dropping the big dollars on this damn party. it is shaking me dry of all my pennies, but that's my fault. I'm going over the top, my baby deserves it, she worked hard to be here today so its only right we celebrate her first year of battles, and have the time of our lives.

honestly, i just never thought id be here, i never thought she would make it, i never thought i would stay pregnant past 6 weeks, i never thought shed make it in the nicu, i never thought shed crawl, or stand, or babble, or eat non-pureed foods, or do any of the things she does, and I'm so happy, I'm so proud that i just wanna show everyone how great she is. :)

Fit Tuesday

I know you all have an itch in your pants to see how much I lost this week!
I'm definitely starting to see a semi slimmer version of me! and I am feeling pretty damn proud!

FIT TUESDAY
GOAL WEIGHT 120-130

Last weigh in: 157

This week's weigh in: 154

PERFECT! another 3 pound loss since last Tues, I would say I'm probably doing some things right.

couple of things- the machine I fell off of is an arc trainer, I use it at least 3 days a week for 30 minutes. it burns a crap load of calories. the other thing i learned is that if you put the incline on the highest setting on the treadmill, and walk at a moderate paced speed, it burns 700 plus calories per 1 hour!
imagine that! 1 hour of walking up a fake hill dancing to 60's music and watching a TV without sound burns 700 calories!
well, i don't have to imagine it, because I actually did it, I forgot i had legs at the end because they were so numb, but HA! i am now 3 pounds lighter. although that probably has nothing to do it with. it probably has to do with the fact that I'm STARVING

a regular portion is like something i would feed an infant, and so, obese America

I

ENVY

YOU

for not giving a shit who looks at your saggy butt, or shopping at the plus size store, and ordering whatever the Hell you want at a restaurant. I totally envy you,
now back to my celery sticks and cream cheese.

Mother's day

I really did not even want to post about this topic.
It was really a horrible day for me,
but today- things got better.

i will for-warn you that some of this may sound selfish, but kill me, it could be worse.

oh and this is by all means NOT why my mothers day was dreadful, this is why it got better today!

on Friday, when i finally got home from the slave factory, i went peeking around Torrie's daycare items to see if she brought me home a picture or something or even a poem for mothers day, and i found nothing.

i thought gee, maybe my mom hid it! cause she knows I'm a snoop! and she will bring it out on mothers day for me!!

mothers day rolls around.
nothing
Nada
zilch.
my mother didn't even get me a card and write love Torrie on it.
this really feels shitty.
last year when i was prego i had an arm load of mommy to be gifts
and this yr, no one even signed her name to a card.
whatever, so me and Torrie did what we did on mothers day and I was happy to be with her.

now today, i wake up and I'm feeling really low about the other things i will not discuss that made my day the worst but i was still feeling craptastic. I got Torrie ready for daycare and I thought, hmm maybe my mom forgot to take my present out of her cubby on Friday!
right! i will look when i get there!
so we get there finally and i snoop around, trying not to look suspicious and I see nothing.

blah, I get to work and a new friend "texts" me and wishes me a happy mothers day :) which made my day and off i went to move on with my life.

fast forward thru all the slave driving business.

I get home and what is sitting on my kitchen table but a present! with Torrie's beautiful face on it!
Its my present!!
 I jumped up and down,
my mother looked at me like i was a freak.
I was so excited to have someone acknowledge that I was a mother.

the first thing i did!
take pictures!

this is the front of the Chinese carton with Torrie's picture on it. shes smiling so hard in the picture!

this is the back it has a poem that says:
"this is a very special box,
that only you can see.
the reason its so special,
it's just for you from me.
its filled with lots of kisses
as sweet as can be,
just hold the box close to your heart
and always think of me!!"

and inside was:

Hershey kisses!!! (well the ones i didn't eat yet!)

so the moral of the story- good things come to those who wait.

right? but i didn't really wait,it was borderline begging....

Bad Quality?

Torrie still gets Physical therapy, which we are thinking about discontinuing at this point.
They come to see her at her daycare, so they send me home progress notes, the last one i recieved read:

"Torrie is not scared around unfamilar faces."

really? is this a bad thing? should i not want my child to be friendly? I mean, jumping all over a stranger is one thing, but smiling and being friendly is another. and who is this stranger your talking about? Is it some joe smoe cracky walking off the street or is it someone you brought, who you are making torrie believe is friendly.
shes obviously going to catch a vibe from you, the person she trusted for the last year, if your introducing her to this "stranger" shes probably assuming in her baby brain that this person is okay. If you werent a person she trusted, so you yourself was unfamiliar, and brought a stranger as well, well then that would be nerve wrecking to me. or maybe it wouldnt.

shes a baby, she isnt a human with a conscious. she has no clue what kind of a world it is out there.
so as much as this comment is useless to me, it bothered me.

is she supposed to be afraid/timid? is she not supposed to be a happy smiling baby?

people make no sense.

My First Mother's Day

I remember all the talks G and I have had about me possibly not getting pregnant, and the miscarriages we had, and the lost hope.

Then, I found out I was pregnant with Torrie, and it was scary, I really wasn't sure she'd stick around since the others hadn't, and i really was getting ready to start a career. I thought, Gee, what horrible timing, but i said, if its meant to be then it will be, and it was.

Obviously, the whole pregnancy thing was no walk in the park for me, nor was childbirth, or the first couple months after. its alot of a blur to me, but one thing i know,

I am Blessed.

i count my lucky stars everyday that i have Torrie, she was the one thing i wished would stick around for alot of years, and after alot of prayers I finally had her in my arms.

and Tomorrow I get to celebrate that  I have my baby finally, and she is happy healthy and thriving.
shes adventurous, smart, intuitive and outgoing.

shes one special girl and I am so lucky to be her mom.

this morning while we were waiting for her daddy to wake up, we spent sometime enjoying the beautiful sun outside. we took a blanket out and had a picnic and we walked around the block on her ride on toy. she loved it.

and just for kicks and giggles, this is what i wake up to in the morning

Happy Mother's day Ladies!!

Its A preemie Thing

Its a Preemie thing <- article

Today I was doing my daily news reading on my Lunch break and I came accross this article, which for many obvious reasons caught my eye.

For non clickers- woman was induced early because of preeclampsia, and founded a clothing company for preemie clothing.

shop here.

Somewhere there is a Rainbow

I've had an interesting life. it has gotten even more interesting as I've gotten older and most days i wish there was some time table that would let me go back and change things, even things that were beyond my control.
i always knew things about my life were not completely the norm until recently, more than one event has opened my eyes.

the problem is I love with my whole heart, I could never love someone with half of it, i could never love someone and remain friends, to me its a broken bridge that will just hurt.
Ive been hurt, Ive been the one to hurt, but I'm opinionated, I'm daring and outspoken, I'm embarrassing, I'm judgemental, I'm over protective, I'm kind, I'm smart, I'm funny, and I'm rude. but the one thing i can never do is let someone fail. especially if i know they are capable of so much more.

I let someone down, Ive let alot of people down in my life. but i just cant let this person down, I want to help, I don't know how to help, but I know i can be alot to handle, i know I'm overwhelming when i push for something. maybe i pushed too far, maybe I'm not the right one for the job, maybe I'm just not the ONE.

I struggle with this. i struggle with what the right thing to do is. I don't know how to control something i feel strongly about, I don't know how one person can hurt another person, and I don't know how someone cant love with their whole heart just like me.

I feel like if i pass this trait to Torrie I will fail her, I feel like i will set her up for disappointment and heartache, i feel like i have already failed her.
I am trying to be the glue to her life, to her relationships with her father. It's rocky between us, and i feel like I'm the only constant person in her life. i want him to be there more, i want him to join us, i want him to beg me to come over and bring her even when i say no. I want a family for Torrie. i don't want it to just be the two of us, i want her to have two healthy happy constants in her life.

but right now I've failed her, i am slowly failing to be the glue in her relationship with him. the tackiness is getting thin under the seams. shes so close to talking and walking and expressing her thoughts that it kills me that she just might ask questions that I do not have the answer for.

I do not know the future, but I do know, that I will be her glue as long as possible and i will also be her advocate, and I will not let her have the same life i had. I absolutely will not.

It's Almost Time

For torries first birthday, her pics from her photoshoot are in, here are some pics of the photos, corny i know-

how stinkin beautiful is this girl!

and her party favors arrived! i just have to fill them with candy and put some ribbons on them!

okay i have to go do the invitations now!

Fit Tuesday

Fit Tuesday

Goal weight:
120-130

Start Weight:
162

last week's weight:
159

This week:
157

whoop whoop! Obviously I'm doing something right. at some point this week I will put in some of what ive ate for a day.
still doing cardio three times a week and weight training. starting to notice a small difference.

I also decided to give you guys a before pic, sorry they are dark, also these arent really before, they were taken yesterday so its after a Five pound loss. Yeesh, really I am a lard.

as you can see I am short and round. Its great. I need a body lift!


P.S - I am starving!!!!!

Dear Torrie

Dear Torrie,

Today you are 11 months old. I cannot believe it. I feel like just yesterday I was sitting in the nicu, holding you in that uncomfortable rocking chair all day, reading my parenting magazines and holding your teeny tiny hand. I remember you flinching in your little incubater everytime I spoke to you, I remember the first time you tried to open your eyes, I remember your first gummy smile, and I remember all the scary things the doctors said *might* happen to you but never did.
I also remember your first day home, it was spectacular. Mommy went and got you all by herself. It was scary. I so wanted it to be like a baby story when mom and dad came and got you together and mommy sat in the backseat to make sure you were okay, but that wasnt going to happen regardless, and daddy had to work that day at his new job. So, I buckled you in nice and tight, with all your brand new things, Geez, you smelled so good like a brand new baby, But you were so so small at 4lbs! I was scared. I swore at every jerk that drove by. And finally we made it home, and just like that, I was lost in a world of love with you, But i also didnt know what to do with you!!
we made it thru several months together, I swear you slept thru it all, but i dressed you everyday like we were going to a party and i took pictures all the time, I stared at you and held you close, and I vowed never to let you be that far away from me ever again.
BOY do I regret that!! you love me, and I love you, but lord child you dont let me go two feet away! But secretly I love it, I absolutely love it and I wouldnt trade it for the world.
But what i WOULD trade, are the beautiful giggles and ear to ear smiles that you give daddy, darn it torrie, why do i get all the crying and hugs! I want smiles! i do the dirty jobs! I wake up in the morning with you!! But thats okay, I know you love us both the same, after all you cant get rid of us anyway.

So, now at 11 months, you are doing everything and MORE that they told us you wouldnt do!
heres what you do:

• You crawl, sometimes normal, sometimes with one leg out like a banchie.
• you sit up, but not like everyone else does, you do it backwards but it works for you so thats just as good in my book!!
• you eat solid food! your favorite is chicken and chicken nuggets, you gobble it up faster then I can make it.
• You also love yogies (yogurt) as soon as you see the package you get soooooo excited, its almost freakish.
• You had your first macaroni and meatballs with italian bread last night and you ate so much I had to take it away from you cause I thought you might get sick!
• You pull to stand! I cant believe it, you pull youself up on anything you can get too, I think walking might be in your near future!
• You also let go, this scares me, it also gives you lots of bruises, so please stop doing this until you can support yourself.
• you call me gaga, which is remotely close to mama, but still, you shouldnt be even talking yet.
• you like to sing, and boy do you get your talent from me!
• you follow olly (the dog) around and try to do everything he does, you both even fight over the same toys.
• you are outgoing and you LOVE going to school (daycare) as soon as I pull in you scream with excitement!
• you dont sit still. this is great at times, at others I must lecture you to stay put until i just get something really quick. please listen, it will make for a nicer smoother morning from now on.

My dear beautiful baby,
the other night when I sat holding you in my arms trying to rock you to sleep, I cried. your head is taller then my arms, and your legs hand over my lap, you are almost too big to rock. (after all I am a tiny girl LOL) I just cannot believe how big youve gotten, I cannot believe how many obstacles you have beaten, and proven wrong. I am just so proud of you, I will always be so proud of you, and you will always be my baby.

I hope that you read this many years from now, and even if i turn out to be a horrible mom, and give you loads of hell as a teenager, you will know how much i truely love you and cannot live without you.

Love always,
Mommy

you with your BFF olly on 5/6/12

and here is your footprint at one month old. still smaller then my pointer finger.

Boring Sundays

Today was relaxed. Tomarrow is Torrie's 11 months birthday. And this is what she started doing!

Temptation Island

So, We went to an awesome birthday party today. Where I cheated.
Yes, on my diet, and this is where it started.

 and this is what I was served with

and this is how my child ended up with cause she had no nap and beat a little girl up

Yikes, hitting the gym hardcore this week!!

Growing up

I cant believe my kid is eating chicken nuggets and sippin juice out of a sippy. I just cant handle this!!

Just Wondering Wednesday

These are things Ive been wondering about all day.

1. what is the point of working out at the gym walking on the treadmill and drinking a Starbucks coffee at the same time, which has about a gazillion calories in it alone. Does this scream POINTLESS to anyone else but me?

2. Now, I'm not being discriminate, but I really am curious (not that it matters) ....
if a person is transgender and in a relationship/marriage, are both parties gay? or is the non-transgender gay? or Is neither gay? Ive been thoroughly thinking this over and I believe since transgenders generally believe they actually are the sex that they are transgending to I.E male to female, female to male, that they are not gay because they actually believe they are who they are/transferred to. With that said, it would make the opposing partner gay because he/she is attracted to a person who may/may not still have the non-transferred body parts still attached. Are you following? I know this is crazy, it does not matter so just forget I even said it!


3. How does a baby go from eating baby food to solids in 24 hours and refusing her baby food all together? I had to run to the store on my lunch to buy pancakes and french toast because this girl will not eat breakfast!! its insane! and she loves chicken!! I just don't understand!


Now, I work in a doctors office where I see some generally disgusting things. None, of that really bothers me. But there is one thing that will send me over the edge, and that is WET TOILET PAPER. i believe toilet paper should never we wet, it should never be sopping wet to the point where it is disintegrating on your hand/fingers, ugh i'm gagging just thinking about it. it is effing disgusting, thinking/definitely seeing this makes me throw up in a hott second. Like I don't even have to think about it. I just throw up at the sight of wet effin toilet paper. AND so do you know today a patient comes in who has an issue which i feel sorry for but left WET EFFIN TOILET PAPER ALL OVER THE TOILET SEAT. i died. I really did, I almost quit, I just ugh wanted to VOMIT.


I'm also really slacking on the kiddie posts but how can I concentrate when there's a bunch of transgenders wearing wet toilet paper drinking Starbucks coffee on the treadmill?!?!

Fit Tuesday!

Thats right ladies, It's already Tuesday and I have already done the dreaded weigh in!!

FIT TUESDAY
GOAL WEIGHT 120-130

Last weigh in: 162

This week's weigh in: 159

whoo hoo!

SO, Looks like I'm doing something right,
going to the gym 3 nights a week, x 45 minutes of cardio and 1 hour of weight training
Im going to do cardio at home with the baby on the nights I have off from the gym.
I also started my diet which has no real pattern, Im going to keep a log so I share with you incase your curious of stuff I'm eating.